Prayer

I cried this morning and I said a heartfelt prayer. Ok, I cried a lot.

I let me family down. BIG TIME! Actually, that might be an understatement.

I failed them. I FAILED THEM.

I am embarrassed. It is my job to be the one to help build people up, not bring them down. It is my job to be supportive, not question the intentions.

I FAILED MY FAMILY.

I got down on my knees this morning and begged God to change my heart. To change me. To help me overcome the demons that I face.

I asked two very good friends to say prayers for me. And that was very difficult for me to do, because I had to admit to them, that I was not the best me. That I struggled. That I was a failure.

But I went to those two specifically, because I knew the heart felt prayers that they ask God. I also asked those two specifically because they would hold me accountable.

Over the course of the next several weeks, I am going to be doing several things:

  • I am doing a 30 day sober challenge. So I will be posting my thoughts and feelings by doing this, in case there is anyone out there struggling or thinking about doing the same. I am going to also post the financial savings that I expect to come with it as well.

  • I am going to start working out again. I think that there is a direct correlation between mental and physical health.

Today, I am focusing on day 1 of 30. I am taking today hour by hour.

I hope and pray that today, is the start of a new transformation. It is my hope and prayer, that God uses me. Allows me to grow and be the father that I strive to be and the husband that I need to be.

I spent a lot of time this morning in prayer. Something that I have not done a lot of recently. The Serenity Prayer, which is listed below, might be one of my new daily prayers.

Serenity Prayer

– Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.
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This mornings prayer:

“Dear God,

Please change my heart. Please show me the way that I need to live. Help lead me to be closer to you today. I ask that you allow me the opportunity, to right the wrongs that I have done and fix my failures.

In your name,

Amen”

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I’ve seen it on the news for years, but this is the first time that I have ever been faced with something like this. But tonight, as I put the boys to bed, I held them a little tighter and kissed them a few extra times. Never in my life, did I think that I would see riots this close to me? Never in my life, did I think that I would see riots less than 10 miles from my office or less than 30 miles from our home.

Tonight as I watch the news, I am speechless. Tonight as I listen to the Governor of Maryland, I am numb. These are places that I have recently walked, there are places that are being burned down that I have recently driven by.  I am numb by the response of the protestors and I’m also numb by the response by several adults. Here are the facts, a young man, who had what appears to be a troubled path, was buried by his family. No parent should ever buried their children.

But tonight, there is a different feeling in the air. There is a different concern and feeling. Tonight, I kept the TV off so that I could shelter the boys from the riots in Baltimore, but I couldn’t keep my mind focused. Tonight, my feelings are pretty clear, but I’ll have to save those for another. I have listened to co-workers and even my wife talk about their sadness, tonight, I am just mad.

Baltimore residents who protested peacefully, the death of Freddie Gray, you did it right. It is those that wanted to take their protests to the next level where they were destroying private property. I had tried to stay off social media, because I felt that I would be be outraged and I have been. I tried to limit my communication with others, because I would be upset and angry, and I have been. I just wanted my wife to get home tonight, who was north of Baltimore city and she did.

The Governor declared a state of emergency due to the riots and tonight, I have no clue how and if I will make it into the office tomorrow. But, tonight, I was able to put the boys with an extra long hug and a kiss goodnight. My wife made it home safely and I was able to hug and kiss her.

But I pray for those that are in the city that are effected by the riots. I pray that those are protected the innocent, that those will be protected and yes, I have several friends and spouses of friends that are down in that area tonight.

And tonight, I have learned a powerful and important lesson and that there is a time and place for my smart ass remarks and tonight isn’t the night. I pray for safety and God’s mercies for those that are are in Baltimore tonight effected by the riots and I pray for calmer heads.  And I pray that your mommy doesn’t have to go into work tomorrow and be put into harms way, AMEN.

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I don’t do this very often, so I apologize but this morning, I just felt that I needed to blog about this. Facebook can be a wonderful tool. But it can also be a way to keep in touch with friends and old classmates that you haven’t seen or talked with in years.

Two nights ago I saw a lot of facebook statuses asking prayers for a girl named Melissa. Based on which friends were posting these updates, I wasn’t exactly sure who Melissa was? My high school was not that big, but we had a decent class size. Well, last night I found out which Melissa everyone was praying for and why.

She was a mother of 6. That is right, 6 kids ranging from 16 to 2. But two nights ago after a family dinner, she was in a car accident with her husband and children and she sustained injuries that left her dead. 6 kids. A husband. Parents and friends are all left asking why?

I am not going to lie, I don’t remember Melissa. She was a year behind me and if she did not play sports, I probably spoke in the hallways and that was it. But today, we have something in common. We have little kids. And the thought of her husband having to explain death to their children breaks my heart.

So today, if you believe or pray, could you say a little prayer for Melissa and her family? Her family has a long and hurtful road ahead of them and they need all the help that they can get.

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Tonight, as I watch my boys run around the living room and laugh, my thoughts are filled with the shootings that took place in Colorado tow nights ago at the Batman premiere.

The shootings were yet another case of senselless violence. And yes, there will be plenty of time to debate gun control in the future. But tonight, let’s take a moment and hold your kids and loved ones a little tighter and give them an extra kiss.  Treasure these moments and be grateful for the time that you have together.  And tonight, say a prayer, not only for the souls that were taken away from this world way too early, but for their families that are left behind. As they will never for the events from that night. And their lives have forever been changed.

 

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Today, I found out that a close friend’s 12 year old son has cancer.  Though it doesn’t appear that the cancer has spread, but it is in his jawbone and needs to be treated.  I am close to their family and hearing the Cancer word just threw me. My wife and I have gone through a few firsts this past year with friends:

  • A close couple split up and will be filling for divorce
  • My wife’s best friend was diagnosed and is undergoing treatment for Breast Cancer
  • And now this friend’s son has cancer

It sucks. Plain and simple. But it also makes you realize how precious life is and how important each and everyday is. Do not take today for granted. We are not promised tomorrow.

Love your friends and family. Kiss your kids every chance that you get and make sure that you over use the word I Love You.

Today, I say a special prayer for my friends and my little buddy Baylor, knowing that he has a long road ahead, but if any kid can fight through life’s challenges, it is him.

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CrossWhen I was in Texas, the small group that I was a part of that meet every Sunday morning would start each class with a simple question: “Seen God this week?” And it was a simple question, but one that was really powerful for me.  It really made me more aware of what was going on during the week, to stop and look around for how God was working not only in my life but others. And when I started really focusing on this, I saw things differently.

Years later, I move to the east coast. I still attend church, just not as involved as I was out in Texas. This is for my reasons, but it dawned on my a few weeks ago how much I missed answering that question every week. So it got me thinking, have I seen God this week? And it was a simple yes! I saw him when I woke up this morning and got to see my sons smiling at me. I will see him again tonight when I go home from work and my boys start jumping up and down waiting for me to play with them.

And every night, before I go to sleep, I thank God for having another day with my little boys and hope that he gives me tomorrow with them as well.  But now that I am more aware of this need/desire, it has renewed my energy about God. I might not be involved with my current church as I was with the church in Texas and that is for many reasons, but I will be reading the bible more. I just purchased two books by Adam Hamilton “24 Hours That Changed The World” & “Final Words at the Cross ” and hope to start reading them this weekend. I hope that these book continue to help me seek a deeper relationship with God, which will ultimately make me a better father.

So, as you go about your week and daily activities, stop and ask yourself if you have seen God this week?

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Every night, before I lay the boys down, I say a little prayer over them. It is simple and basic, but goes something like this:

Dear God,
Thank you for today and thank you for these boys. Please watch over them tonight and protect them from harms way. Please help my wife and I be better parents and love these boy more every day.
Amen.

I think that it is important to get the boys use to praying now, as it is a part of our lives.  A book that I’ve read a few times now, Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference?, by Philip Yancey, has really had a powerful part into not only the importance of prayer, but how to pray.

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