Our lives over the last few weeks our lives have been centered around this simple thought: Hope & Fear & Uncertainty, and it feels that literally all at the same time. That seems to be our life right now. And the the uncertainty of it all is driving me beyond crazy.

Hope is simply defined as “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.” Hope, is what we are basing our lives and decisions on now. Hoping for positive test results. Hoping that the brain tumor does not return. Our plan is that we live today as if were our last and that tomorrow we are given another day to try to live the best life that we can.

Fears are defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” Well, there is a lot of pain that has already been caused both physically as well as emotionally and mentality because of the brain tumor. But we are trying not focus on the fear of the unknown. But fears can lead one down a tough path and the loss of focus to important things as well, like focusing on what we have today.

The uncertainty that we face, each and everyday has been tough. Talking with medical providers, both one’s that my wife is under their care or friends that we know. And the answers seem to very. And if anyone does a google search, well we all know how that can go too. But the feeling of uncertainty is real. It is scary. And it is a valid feeling.

All of these feelings are valid, hell, they all interchange at some point in time.

As we have started to transition from the scary feeling of the seizure to brain surgery and the removal of said brain tumor. We now move into “what is next?”

And the answer is simple, we don’t know. No one does.

Does that mean that the tumor will return, well, there is a greater chance that it does than it does not. That is just a fact. And if it does return, there is a greater chance that it comes back as a higher grade brain tumor. But the flip is, there is a chance that the brain tumor does in fact not return.

And in the most simplistic break down possible for our lives.

Hope – that we never mention said brain tumor again.
Fear – that the brain tumor will return and return worse than first discovered.
Uncertainty – what if? What if this brain tumor kills my wife? I still have two young boys, am I ready to be a single dad again? Can I handle it? God forbid, I have to date again.

There is a lot of uncertainty. The unknown is scary as hell. But, we have to plan. We have to plan for today, as well as tomorrow. We have started a To Do list, as my wife hates the phrase Bucket List. There will be big things on it, like a trip post covid to the Grand Canyon, as well as making sure that my wife goes to everyone of my son’s baseball or soccer games.

Our focus has shifted a little to more of the making memories and keeping our son’s lives as normal as possible. And today that is easily done, but in the future, it might not be. But today, we make the most of it. The sun is out, all the snow is melted away and we are focused on spending time together.

Tomorrow, well we can worry about that tomorrow.

Hope & Fears & Uncertainty.