Life

Today has been a day of frustrations. I have worked over 9 hours, which was 9 hours more than I wanted to work today.  I worked last night for 3 hours and was up at 6 am this morning to make additional updates on a corporate website. And then throughout the day I would make updates and with each update, the frustrations would mount.

What I realized throughout my day was that was that I am doing things that I wasn’t intending to do. Meaning, I wasn’t planning on doing additional work on the weekends, but somehow, I am. And the frustrations mounted.

Years ago, I swore that I wouldn’t take time away from the boys and today, I did. I took their time away to update a corporate website and it hit me and it hit me hard. I’ve really tried to make an effort not to allow my work to take away my time with the boys and it has. So as I type this blog post ,the boys are asleep and I think, that after 9 hours of work this weekend and that is just Friday night into Saturday, that I’ve gotten the majority of the updates completed.

But as I was rocking the boys and trying to keep my frustrations at bay, Baby A started singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, somehow made today better.

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Ever feel like your life is sliding out of control? I have, heck, I have this week.  To say that this has been a hard week, might be one of the biggest understatement for the week for me.

Just a few things that have happened: My mother in law died 6 years ago Monday,  yesterday I needed a Pep Talk from the boys, and today I was literally sliding while driving home.  I am done with this week.  I am done with the stress, the surprises, the snow, the emotions, the hurt and pain, I am just done with it all.

Work has been pretty stressful lately with trying to get a major campaign launched at work, but also when things go wrong, I am the one that people look to first to resolve the problem.  My wife has had to lean more on me this week while dealing with her Mom’s death and I have been trying to deal with it as well myself. I have questioned a lot this week about everything. And I have asked more questions of myself and life this week. And at the end of the day, I have realized that no matter what, my day wasn’t as bad as someone that has cancer or just getting news that they were dying.

Perspective? Sure, I got it. I work at a hospital and day in and day out, I see people who’s day is 100 times worse than mine.  Today, I left work early because I found out that our roads were not in the best of condition due to 3+ inches of snow that was falling. I picked up the kids early from school and we were literally sliding down on the road. Scared? HELL yes! We slid on two roads. The boys loved it, I was scared to death. We were sliding down the hill to our house and I felt like I have this entire week, out of control. And when I say that we were sliding down the hill, I mean, literally we were sliding down the hill and into a parking spot. Scared me to death.

But I was able to get the boys home and in the house and we were safe! SAFE, a word that I had not thought of all week. My boys were SAFE at home. My wife was able to get home and she too was SAFE and at some point, my day was not sliding anymore.

My world is my family. The week that we have had, has been really hard both emotionally and also physically. Dealing or not dealing with my mother in law’s death has been hard. And I say not dealing with her death, because I don’t know that I ever did,  but that is a blog for another time. My point is this, my life was sliding out of control this week. And for a few days, it bothered me. I was selfish. I focused on all of the outside factors in my life, but what I missed was simple, my worse days of sliding out of control doesn’t compare to the person finding out that they have cancer. It doesn’t compare to the family hearing that their loved one is dying or the family that has State Troopers on their door step asking to come, because they need to talk with them about their loved one that was in an accident and didn’t make it.

My worst day this week, doesn’t compare. Sure, I felt like my life was sliding out of control and maybe it was. But I got to hug and kiss my boys today. I got to hug and kiss my wife tonight. Work is work. But my life, though I was literally sliding out of control today, was not as bad as many others experienced today.

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Every morning on the way to school, I give the boys their little pep talk for the day. Nothing too heavy, just a remind of things to do for the day, like listening to their teacher, playing well with the other kids, etc. But something happened today on the drive that left me a little speechless.

So we were about a mile from the house and I looked in the rear view mirror and started giving them their pep talk. And as I’m talking, the boys are either nodding or saying ok or yes sir. I told Baby B that I wanted him to really listen to his teach today, as lately he has been pushing his boundaries. And then I looked over at Baby A and asked that he watch after his brother today and to make sure that he was ok. And he quickly responded with “No problem Daddy. I love my little brother.” Well there you have it kids, he didn’t stop and think he just responded.

But that wasn’t the thing that left me speechless. I’ve hit a rough patch at work and have really been struggling with a few things that have been going on lately. And I have been really questioning a lot of things lately, i.e. my place here at the company, the state we live in, etc. And as we pulled into the school parking lot, I smiled and told both boys that I wanted them to have a great day at school and to play hard. And before I could even open my door to get the boys out, Baby A decided to give me a pep talk. He smiled and told me that he wanted me to play hard at work today and that he wanted me to do my best.

Speechless.

I didn’t know if I should just say ok or yes sir or cry? I think that I kind of did all 3 to be honest.

But as I hugged the boys and got back in my jeep, I couldn’t help but think of Baby A’s pep talk. Dealing with or having not really completely dealt with my mother in laws death, work, life, etc. has just really gotten to me lately. I am not afraid to admit it, I’m human and all that crap got to me and it a lot to deal with, especially when you have little kids. But his pep talk made sense in someway and has given me a lot to think about.

So today, thanks to my kids, I’ll play a little harder at work and will try to have a little more fun today.

Thanks son for the much needed pep talk.

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It was 6 years ago today that my mother in law was killed in a car accident and it seems just like yesterday. There are so many things about that day that I’ll never be able to forget.

  • Getting the call from my father in law after lunch.
  • Having to tell my wife of 3 months that her mom, her best friend was dead.
  • Calling my mom, because she and my mother in law were close. But because I also needed support.
  • Hearing from a close friend that is a psychologist, that life doesn’t return to “normal” for at least 5 years and he was right on that.
  • Knowing that one of the things we loved the most, snow, was the factor in her death.
  • Driving 40 miles in snow at a snails pace, just to get my wife to her dad.
  • The outpouring of friends and family at a time that when we needed them the most.

6 years later and the pain is still there. 6 years later and even though it hurts less than last year, it still hurts. It hurts knowing that she’ll never see my boys, play with them, and love them. It hurt like hell yesterday hearing Baby A call my father in law’s girlfriend Grandma for the first time. He doesn’t know and understand, he just knows that there should be a Grandma if there is a Grandpa.

Today, I remember the laughs, the smiles, the hugs. I remember the long talks about life and future plans and what our family will do and where we will go. I remember that I could always try out a new joke and would immediately know if it was a hit or not by how far she would spit the drink in your mouth. I remember her looking down at your watch as we walked into church late. I will remember that last lunch, how I wish we had spent more time with her that day.

6 years really seems like a long time.

I love and miss you Moms. I know that you are watching down on us and I know that you are smiling down at your grandsons. Oh how you would have loved spoiling them.

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Sometimes in life, we find Grace when we least expect it and today was one of those days.

This morning, I was on the phone with my mom and shared a story about one of her friends that is a teacher and how her 6 year old son was just diagnosed with bone cancer. Around 8am this morning a friend of mine went in for a surgical procedure and needed prayers for healing. And I just read on Facebook that a friend of a friend just gave birth to a little boy, only to have 2 days later him die.

It is hard for me as a parent to hear of a child dying. I just can’t handle it. It is hard for me as a parent to hear that another parent has to witness their child going through chemo for cancer. It is hard for me as a friend, to watch a friend go through surgery. But as hard as it is for me to witness these things, it is 100 times harder for the person or parents going through it.

Today, for whatever reason has been a struggle. I am tired, I was up from 2:30 until with the boys. I have had a hard few weeks at work. I have felt day in and day out, that I’m just trying to get to tomorrow and I can enjoy a day off. I have been short, I have been frustrated, I have just been barely making it some days, but as I dropped the boys off at school this morning, something happened. Something that usually doesn’t happen, but it was my Grace moment.

After signing the boys in, getting their coats and shoes off and put away, they both stayed beside me waiting to hug and give me a kiss goodbye. But this time, they both hugged me at the same time and for a moment, life was ok. For a moment, nothing mattered. For a moment, I experienced grace.

As I have sat in my office this morning, door closed and just trying to push my way through a large amount of work, I have thought back to that moment. I have thought to how they both individually hugged me and then then together gave me a big hug. And before I left, they both whispered “I love you”. What more can I ask for?

 

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Sometimes in life, we find ourselves falling down, both literally and figuratively.

Life can be hard, work, kids, family pressures, holidays, projects, home repairs, and the list just keeps on going. But it isn’t so much how these events happen or even when they happen, but is how we deal with these things as we are falling down. And it is my hope that as I go through life, as I go through the challenges of being a parent, of being a husband and most importantly a father, that my boys will see how I deal with life as I am falling down, but also how I get up.

My wife and I have both really crazy work lives and schedules, as we are both in the medical industry. I work on the Marketing/IT side and my wife works directly with families regarding end of life care. So there is a lot of stress and pressures from both sides.  Sure, it is hard at times, not seeing each other, adding additional work load for the other at home, etc. But, it is how we respond and deal with it, that is so important.  How we interact with each other, listen to each other help the other when they are falling down.

Last night, I was walking down the steps and was holding Baby B & while we were walking and he was making animal sounds, I slipped. I slipped and fell halfway down the steps with him. I was lucky, he didn’t get hurt. I was holding him in a way that was able to protect him from the fall and shield him from getting hurt. Myself on the other hand, I more than likely broke a thumb, my forearm took a beating and my back is hurting. But even though falling down the stairs is hard, physically and ego wise, I wanted to make sure that my son was ok, which he was. But I wanted him to see how I got up.  I didn’t get upset, I didn’t get mad. After checking him out good, I was able to realize that I was going to be in more pain than he was.

Falling down is part of life, literally.  But we have options. We can choose to sit and be upset about falling down or we can get up, wipe our pants off and do something to prevent that happening again.

 

 

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I have been told by many parents that at some point, the question “Why” is asked every other minute. But what I am getting is less “why” and more “Daddy…..” and then followed up with a list of questions.

I was driving the boys home this weekend and literally every other minute I was asked a question that started with Daddy…..

Daddy, where is the car beside us going?
Daddy, when are we going to see Mommy?
Daddy, what is for dinner?
Daddy, are we going to the toy store?
Daddy, are we going to have pizza for dinner?

You get the idea.

Sure, I wanted to listen to the radio and rock out to some Wade Bowen, but instead, I listened to my kids ask me questions for 45 minutes and I loved it. I love that they want to learn. I love that they want to know more and trust me that I’m going to give them a good answer.

So last night, as I put the boys down and Baby A said Daddy….. it was simply followed with, I love you and then I closed the door and he and his brother went to sleep.

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It is funny how becoming a parent changes the way that you view things and your reactions. For example, Baby A has had a few pee accidents at school and when he told me Friday that it happened again, I just smiled, hugged him and said “It Happens!”

I had two choices, make a big deal out of really nothing and more importantly, make my son feel bad like I was upset with him or blow it off and make it really a non issue, which it was.  Kids need to learn that in life, there are important things to get upset over and then there are things that just don’t matter in life. I want my kids to know right from wrong. I want them to learn that there is a time to be serious and a time to laugh. I want them to understand that it is ok to make a mistake, because It Happens.

I’ll never forget when I was 16 years old and I had only been driving for a few months. It was a winter Monday morning, I was approaching a curve at about 30 miles per hour and I never saw the black ice. I remember after I flipped my jeep, my dad is going to kill me. As I got out of my jeep, I surveyed the damage and was pretty sure that it was totaled, but I did the hardest thing to date, I called my Dad. That was the longest 15 minute wait for my Dad to arrive and I remember apologizing and him stopping me. He asked if I was ok? And when I mentioned the jeep, he stopped me again and asked if I was ok? I reassured him that I was and he said simply, “it was an accident, it happens.”

My accident cost a lot of money that day, but the lesson that I learned was that my father could have come down on me or he could have taught me about love and that sometimes that the best lessons in life, are taught with the simple phrase, “it happens”.

So later that day, my sons and I were talking and I was not paying attention and I dropped my apple on the floor and Baby A looked at me and said “Daddy, it is ok, It Happens”.

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This past Friday night, my wife and I went to her Christmas party and we had decided that I would be the DD so that my wife could have a good time and have fun with her co-workers. Somewhere during the night, I started thinking back to a song that I heard previously this week by Edwin McCain and the song is called “Sorry I’m a Little Sober“. The verse that kept going through my head was:

Sorry, I’m a little sober
In the morning I’ll be nursing and cursing
My clarity hangover

I kept wondering, how many in this room are going to wake up tomorrow with a hangover? How many are going to wake up tomorrow tomorrow with a headache and more importantly, regrets?  My biggest issue is that I’m going to have a clarity hangover and grateful that I was sober.  Sure, I still will have a beer or a glass of wine, but right now, I’m enjoying just being a little sober and seeing things in different ways. Now, I realize that this sounds a little like I have a drinking problem and that isn’t the case at all. At most, I would have a drink a night, maybe 2 during a game. But I am seeing that being sober in a different way though and to me, sober isn’t just with drinking, but life. I

I am using this time of being sober and my clarity hangover to focus on the important things, working out, losing weight, my kids, being a better dad, etc. As of yesterday I have lost 11 pounds in a month! I don’t know that I would have been as focused on this 3 months ago. Maybe I wasn’t thinking clearly because of work? Stress of life? Kids? But today I am focused. I am thinking clearly and more focused and determined on what really matters the most in life.



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Last night the boys and I were playing before bed and for whatever reason, Baby B just came over and grabbed a hold of my neck and kept saying “Thank you Daddy, you rescued me!” And then he would kiss me on the cheek.

Baby B isn’t always the most out spoken or affectionate for that matter. He is an amazing kid. He has increased his vocabulary tremendously, so to hear him say that I rescued him, was amazing.

But I got thinking about it while he was hugging me, I didn’t rescue him, but instead the boys rescued me. They have taught me so many important things in life, showing me the importance of giving to others, having patience when it is easier to not, and to find the fun in the most simplest of things.

The boys also showed me that I needed to take better care of myself too. Lose weight and I’m down 10 pounds in 1 month. Drink less, so instead of 2 beers or glasses of wine a night, just 1. Eat healthier, instead of those burger and fries once a week, eat a salad or chicken instead. And it is ok to exercise more than 1 time a week too.

So as I kissed Baby B before he went to sleep, I quietly whispered in his ear “Thank you son, you rescued me too.”

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