Life

Where do my kids come up with these crazy sayings, like “Bad idea”? Where would a 4 year old pick that phrase up? And not only pick it up, but more importantly, using it correctly.

This morning as I was getting ready and trying to get the boys ready, Baby B, (I guess I should start referring to them as Son A or B, as they are no longer babies) said to me “Daddy, going to work is a bad idea, a really bad idea!” Understand, this is the one that was delayed in speech for 2 1/2 years and I really think that he was on to something. Lately, work has really been just that work. As I have grown in my career, my focus has changed, my time has been pulled into multiple directions and my passion has changed.

As I mentioned in a previous post on Regrets, this has been something that I’ve been really focused on other things. Maybe I need to take some of my own advice? Fortunately, I have a quick weekend trip to farm scheduled this weekend, which will give me time to think and process life. But, as I sit in my office, phone calls are coming in, emails about 1 a minute and people are stopping by and asking questions, I think that my son was right, coming into the office today was a bad idea, a really bad idea. Smart kid.

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To my sons, this is my hope and wishes for you.

Regrets, yeah I’ve a few in my life and some of those have seemed to have crept up lately and got me thinking.  So I wanted to share a few thoughts and ideas.

  • Life is to short to have any regrets, so live today as it is your last. Live life to the fullest everyday, as we aren’t guaranteed that there is a tomorrow.
  • Follow your heart and your passions for your career and know that you are able to change directions at anytime. BUT, choose a career that you love doing and the day that you wake up and dread going into work that day, it is time to change.
  • Travel. See the country. Eat in dives. Drink really good beer. Visit the Grand Canyon and sit in silence and listen to the sounds. Visit the beach on the east coast and put your toes in the sand and take a cross country flight to LA and goto the beach there and do the same thing. Experience as much as you can of local cultures and talk with strangers. Yes, today as you are a child, do not talk with strangers, but when you are an adult. Talk with strangers and learn and absorb the culture.
  • Learn to cook. You are both well on your way to this now as you both help me a lot to cook or grill. But learn to cook and learn to cook different foods and really challenge yourself and your love of food. And remember, a cheap grill is just that, cheap. Spend the money for a nice grill and it is an investment that will be well worth it.
  • Save your money. It isn’t the most important thing, but will afford you the ability to do the things that you love doing.
  • Faith – have faith in something. We will do our best to introduce you, but it will ultimately be up to you to continue that faith in a higher being.
  • The old saying is very true. It is better to give than receive. Help someone else that is less fortunate than you are. You have never gone a day of wanting in your life. You have been blessed beyond what you’ll ever be able to know and understand, so help someone that needs a chance.
  • Your mom and I will not always be there for you, so learn how to take care of yourself and learn to pickup after yourself. I was 21 before I learned how to wash clothes, you will learn before then and your wives will thank you and us.
  • And this might be the most important life lesson that I have for you. When you meet the love of your life and you will know it and please, do not let her go. TRUST ME on this one guys, you’ll regret it everyday if you do and it will cause a lot of heartache, frustrations and struggles. If you learn nothing else from me, learn this.

Life is hard. Life will throw you curve balls, but you have to sit back and wait for the right pitch to take and promise me that you’ll live your life to the fullest and life with no regrets.

These are just a few of the life lessons that I hope to be able to share with you throughout your life, but life is too short to live with regrets.

 

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Lately, I’ve felt that I haven’t been able to focus or when I do focus, I’m focusing on things that I should not or that are distractions. Life can be hard, we are often pulled in so many different directions, between work and home life, focus can really become blurred.

My commute each day is about 1 hour in both directions and I often use that time to think through my day, what needs to be done when I get to the office. What meetings that are scheduled and what tasks I need to get completed, etc. And my commute home, I focus on spending time with my boys, making sure that they have a good meal to eat and that after dinner we play and get ready for bed. But lately, these drive times have been more of a distraction. They have clouded my thinking and my views and have some days left me in a fog, so to speak.

I realized on my drive in this morning that there are a lot of things going on, both at home and work that are starting to weigh heavily on me. I need to decompress. I need to step away from life for a few days. I need to regain my focus. My focus has and will always be my kids and that will never change. But at the same time, I need to think through all aspects of my life and do something for me. I need a few days off. I need to think about my life for a while. I need to sit on the dock and look at the mountains and I need to listen. I need to listen to the sounds around me and focus on change.

I need to find my focus.

 

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I’ve seen this scene with Will Smith and James Avery from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air several times and the sad part, I can relate all too much to this scene, as many fathers can.

There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by, that I don’t think about all of the moments that my father missed out on. Birthdays. Anniversary’s. Basketball games. Baseball games. And I’m sure that I could continue that list for days. I remember learning how to shave while my dad was on active duty on the west coast I believe, while he was in the Army. I remember looking up in the stands for my dad and there was always an empty seat. I remember that empty feeling of not having my father there for father/son events at Scouts. I can relate to this scene on many levels, both good and bad.

You see, the fact is my dad wasn’t there a lot. The fact is that my dad put his career before myself, my sister and our family. I remember my dad being gone more than being home. I remember when he would have to leave for extended periods of time or when he would come home late and all I wanted to do was play catch. But the glove or football would sit on the steps well after he would come home. I learned how to adapt and somewhat cope, a say somewhat, because I don’t know that I’ve really expressed how that made me feel to my dad, because at this point, I don’t know that it matters anymore? My friend that is a psychiatrist would probably disagree.

But I can relate also to when Will Smith turned to James Avery, because even though my dad was not there, I have had awesome fatherly role models that to this day are some of my closest friends. And to this day, I still go to them for some of my most challenge questions when I need advice. Today was different though when I watched this clip, as this was the first time that it moved me to tears and I don’t really know why? Regardless of the reason, the raw emotion of wanting your father to be there and they put their priorities first is something that I lived through for the majority of my childhood.

In a conversation with a close friend, he asked me why I do as much as I do with my kids? I just said with a smile, I want my kids to know me. I want them to never have to look up in the stands and wonder if I’m going to be there or not? I never want them to wonder if I loved them. I never want them to feel that I’m not there for them and to make sure that they are the first priority in my life. I can relate to this clip on so many levels. And yes, my relationship with my father is better and at some point in the last year, the words “I’m sorry for missing so much of your life” was actually uttered during a conversation.

I remember the first night that we had the boys at home and as I was rocking them to sleep, I vowed to always put them first. I vowed to be there for them and teach them. Teach them right from wrong and teach them what it means to be a good husband and father. I hope and pray that I’m doing that. I hope that I’m showing them how to treat women with respect and to take care of themselves. And my hope, is that one day, when my kids read these posts that they can look back at our time together, that I did the best that I could.

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There are two words that I love hearing more than anything “DOWN TIME”. These are two words that I love to hear from others and that I love saying, because we all need it. We all need to slow down and sometimes just think out loud.

A few nights ago my wife and I were discussing life, where we are, somethings that we needed to talk about that were bothering us, etc. And as we were talking I realized that it is ok to think out loud and express thoughts and concerns and feelings. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

Lately, without going into a back story here, I’ve had to think out loud a lot with friends. I’ve needed to share somethings with them that I just had to get off my chest. And I needed for them to be my sounding board and to just listen. I am fortunate that there is a core group of guy friends that we can do this with. We can text or call and just say, “I need to vent and I need you to listen.” What that really means, I need to think out loud for a minute and I don’t need interruptions or opinions unless asked. This group of friends have been able to listen, provide feedback and suggestions and basically, be what friends should be, there for me and I for them.

So in a few weeks, one of my good friends and myself are going down to his lake cabin and just relax. And I can’t believe how exciting I am about going to the trip. I’ll be able to cook and we’ll just laugh and think out loud. It is going to give me a chance to step away from life and rest.

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Life Isn’t Fair might be one of the hardest truths to except, but it is a fact of life. And it is a fact that is hard to accept sometimes.  I think that most try to live by the golden rule of life and hope that things just somehow work out. But, the reality is, that sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, life is hard and frustrating and you just want to scream to anyone that will listen “LIFE ISN’T FAIR!” and hope that they can relate and offer a pat on the back.

There will be times that you really want some thing, but it just doesn’t work out. There will be things/toys/etc. that you might want, that you can not have.
There will be things that you will want to do with your friends, that we’ll sometimes have to say NO to, but the reality is simple, life isn’t fair. And the hard part, is that this doesn’t change as you get older either!

There are times as an adult, I want to take a nap, but I can’t. There are times that I want to take a day off and do nothing, but I have responsibilities at work. There are times that I want to go outside and cook all day, enjoy a cold beer or two and just rest. There are times that I want a new Jeep Cherokee, but it isn’t in the budget right now. There are times, that I can’t way to move to a larger house, but jobs haven’t opened at the right time or worked out in the negotiations. Sometimes, life gets in the way and you just want to tell the world that life isn’t fair!

But, life somehow seems to work out, for the most part. Or, it has been my experience that things somehow work out. Or, I hope at least?

Yes, there is more to this post, but sometimes, you can only write about certain things at that time, for many reasons. And as I type this out, I am thinking that sometimes, Life Isn’t Fair!

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The reality is that we are getting older. I am getting older, my wife, who is 7 years younger than I am, is getting older. My parents are getting older and the reality is, that each day is more a challenge, especially for them.

My parents, who are divorced and remarried both have fallen in the last few months/days. My father had a major knee surgery and is required to now stay off of his leg for 6 weeks. My mom fell last week and broke her ankle and the physician took one look at her x-ray and they immediately scheduled surgery, as the ankle was broken on both sides.

I live 6 hours away from my parents and the reality is that I need to be closer to help take care of them. I was already scheduled to be down there in 2 weeks, but this might require two separate trips. I haven’t been super close with my family since I moved away 20 years ago, not to say that I don’t talk with my parents, which I do, a lot or that I don’t love them, I do. But for the first time, it hit me that I really need to be closer to them and be there when they fall, need help recovering after surgery, etc.

Our reality is a new one, my parents are getting older, my last two grandparents are getting much older, as both turn 90 this year. Today has been a rough day trying to coordinate with physicians, the nurses at the physicians office, talking about the surgery that my mother needs, recovery, etc. This might ultimately fast track a move closer to my family, as they will need more help going forward and I’ll need to be closer to them.

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A five letter word that means the world. Without trust we have nothing. Friendships and relationships mean nothing.  The military relies on trust everyday for every mission and so do our kids. Our kids trust us to do what is right by them, they trust that we will take care of them and they trust that we will love them unconditionally.

Trust comes from so many different ways, hugs, messages from friends/family and yourself. We have to trust that what we are doing will keep our kids safe and out of harms way. I remember asking my dad how he described faith and he said very easily “sometimes you have to trust that the bridge will be there!” And for the longest time, I didn’t understand, but tonight I am more in tune with that concept.

Last week, I found out that a friend who’s son was only one week old and would not make it through the week. I wrecked my brain, but I had to believe and trust that God was and is in control. I have to trust in something that I can’t touch, but hope and pray can heal a family. I have to trust that I can provide the right words of confront that will help or make the situation.  I have to trust that my actions and my friendship with them, will help be of comfort for their family in this time of need.

But no matter how i look on it, I have to trust that tomorrow is better because in knowing that my friend only got to hold his son for a few minutes before he died, is pretty crappy.

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That was the question that I was asked repeatedly last night, “Buy Why?” And no, it was not by my twins, but instead by a good friend of mine. And for once, I was not annoyed by the question or upset by the question, but I left focused on the question, “But Why?”

Last week about this time, I got a text message from my good friend that one of our friend’s son was born, but that there were major complications. Because we didn’t really know anything a group of us were sitting by waiting for a group text to come through that all was ok, but that didn’t happen. It was more like, “we aren’t sure what is going on?”, “it is moment to moment right now?”, “the Dr’s aren’t sure what happened?” and the list goes on. But which each text, my buddy would always ask “But Why?”.  But why don’t you know what is going on? But why is it moment to moment? But why aren’t the Dr’s doing more to find out what happened?  And it got me thinking, because the one question that I kept waiting for to be asked, did not come. The one question that we were all thinking and wanting to not ask, for 6 days was finally asked. And it is one of the few times in my life, that I could provide no glimmer of an answer that even closely made sense. It was the first time, that I felt helpless in my response, but the question was this: “But why did God let this happen to him?”

And there it was, the elephant in the room. I thought about it for a few minutes, I prayed for guidance in my answer and maybe a little bit of wisdom and hope. And what came out of my mouth was jumbled and a struggle, but it basically was this “Man, I really don’t know? I wish that I had an answer for you, but I don’t? I wish that I could ask God this very question and he provide some sort of indication or a clear answer, but he isn’t going to do it in such an obvious way. But, here is what I do know. I do know that God will provide people around the family to provide love and support and if this baby takes his last breathe today, all of the guys will be going to visit the family and we’ll all be making donations to the NICU that has been providing care for the baby. We will all rally around this family to help provide normalcy in a very not normal situation. But to answer the question, I don’t know why?”

I did Google searches and there are blog posts on this topic, there are books about Bad things happening to Good people, there are those that provided verses from the Bible and at the end of 2 pages of searches, I asked out loud, “But why God?” And I know that it isn’t my place to ask that, or maybe it is? But as a father, to hear that a friend’s first born son was struggling to make it, just tore my heart into pieces. I feel awful for the family and my friend. And I pray for peace and mercy on his son’s life and for the healing should his son take his last breath today.

This morning, as I took a few minutes of quiet time before everyone woke up and started moving, I read through the text messages and how the question “But Why?” kept coming up over and and over again and it hit me, there is no answer that will save their son’s life. The physicians will do everything that they can, but the reality is simple, it doesn’t look good. There will be no answers. Logically and medically, this should not have happened and it was of no fault of anyone. But why then? No one will every really know the answer, but my hope is that this family is surrounded with love and support and tonight, I’ll be hugging my boys a little tighter.

And as I sit here and think about what my friend is going through right this very minute, sitting in the hospital and staring at his son, not knowing if this is the last day with him, I ask one question, “Buy Why?”

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The word for today kids is accountability!

According to the dictionary, Accountability can be simply defined as the following:

the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions
Merriam Webster Dictionary

So, what is the importance of accountability today you ask? It is very simple, I realized a few things over the weekend and the biggest was that when I’m not tracking the foods that I eat and the drinks that I consume, I put on weight.  So, starting today, I’ve asked a buddy of mine to hold me accountable to making sure that each day I update my food, as that is the fastest way that I’m going to lose my next 40 pounds. But it isn’t just with weight loss, I realized that I was not doing other things the way that I needed to and it is just good knowing that someone can help me stay focused and on track.

But accountability is really a bigger thing than just getting called out for skipping a meal or drinking 2 beers and going over my calorie intake for the day. It is really about the relationship and trust between two or more people so that they can be honest and keep you focused and in line.  And as fathers, I think that we need this. I think that we need someone, ideally other dad’s or friends that know and can relate to what we need and where we are in our lives to help us. It is good to be able to bounce ideas off of one other, what works for their kids, might work for mine. Guys don’t like to admit that they are wrong or failed, we don’t like to admit that we screwed up and aren’t perfect and Lord knows, we don’t like to ask for help. But the reality is simple, we need it. And sometimes, we need that accountability from someone that isn’t our spouse!

Accountability is a powerful thing and to be able to trust someone and know that they have your back, is an awesome thing.

 

 

 

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