Life

Halloween this year was a complete bust. Ok, that might be a stretch, but it wasn’t what we envisioned for sure.  Let me back up and start with this.

For Halloween this year, the boys actually went out twice, the first was Trunk or Treat at their grandfather’s church. They had a blast going car to car getting candy and running around and playing on the playground. They had a parade of costumes where all the kids lined up and they just had a blast. Boy A was Spiderman and Boy B was a 3 Headed Dragon and everyone loved seeing them.

Halloween night was a completely different event and to a point, I was bummed. The boys were so excited to get candy and goto the mall like we did last year, but it was a complete bust. We get to the mall and start walking around and after we got to the 3rd store I started to realize that none of the stores were giving out candy. The mall moved back the time this year from 5 to 2 and either the mall was overwhelmed with visitors, which I can’t imagine or the stores just didn’t get the memo.

Regardless, the boys basically got 10 pieces of candy and they were beyond happy and my wife and I were beyond disappointed. I was upset that they were so looking forward to a bucket full of candy and they got almost nothing. But what I realized as we were driving to dinner after leaving the mall, the boys didn’t care. All they cared about was dressing up, it was my wife and I that were missing that point. Halloween isn’t’ just about candy, but it seems that it is more about the costume for the boys.

As we started putting away the pumpkins and the costumes last night, the boys said goodbye to Halloween and hello to Thanksgiving and in just a minute they went from candy to turkey.

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I was driving into work today and I was thinking about the weekend, how much fun we had going to Trunk or Treat and seeing how happy the boys were dressed up in their costumes. And it hit me how much I just love those little guys.  I’m fortunate that I get to spend so much time with the boys and how much fun that we have. Yes, I’m their parent not their best friend, but I honestly love being around the boys. Now, Saturday night, Boy B was pushing the limits and trying to run away and hide and at home, that is fine, but in a crowded area, makes it a little harder to maintain.

And I think that on top of the weekend, the sermon series is all about a Father’s love and it got me thinking about two specific things, King George Strait and Derek Redmond.

If you are a country music fan, then at some point in time, you’ve sung along with King George and if you are an old school fan, you’ve probably sung a lyric or two from the hit, A Love Without End, Amen. But yesterday, I was thinking about the chorus and it really resonated with me:

“Let me tell you a secret about a father’s love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us.”
He said, “Daddies don’t just love their children every now and then.
It’s a love without end, amen, it’s a love without end, amen.”

And here is the video:

But George is right, we don’t just love our kids every now and then, we love them everyday and until we take our final breath. And Saturday as I was talking with Boy B about his behavior I didn’t love him any less, in fact, I think that I loved him more in that moment when he put his arms around me and apologized for misbehaving.

And then was actually the clip that we watched in church yesterday about Olympic runner Derek Redmond and how as he was running, tore his hamstring. And as he begin limping towards the finish line a guy from the crowd runs out to help him, his father. And I think that the favorite part for me was when one of the Olympic officials tried to get him to stop and his father basically told him to get away.

A father’s love bound to a normal idea or philosophy, but instead a father’s love is unconditional. A father’s love is a bond and is as strong as nothing else. It is my responsibility as my son’s father to be there for them and help teach and show them how to grow up to be men. To teach them life lessons and to also talk with them when they do wrong. And when they do wrong, and they will, I’ll be there to show them a love without end.

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Our church has been doing a 30 day challenge of all the members praying the simple prayer “God, if you are real, make yourself real to me.” And as we were in church yesterday, the sermon was on the Parable of the Lost Son and then they closed with a more modern version of the parable and it really got me thinking. What if I were in that same situation where one of my boys ran away? How would I feel? What would I think? How devastated would I be?  How welcoming would I be when they returned home? All of these thoughts flooded my head as the pastor was reading the modern version and as I wiped the tear from my eye, I realized that no matter what, no matter where, I will love my sons unconditionally.I will always be there for them, as long as I am breathing and I hope and pray that my sons know and realize this. I hope that they will learn that they come first, no matter what and that I will always love them.

But as I was sitting in my seat as the service closed, I realized, though I didn’t run away, I did move away from my family when I was 21. And I remember before leaving my grandfather’s house, my Dad took me outside and simply said, that he would always be there for me and that I could come home whenever I wanted to. And it hit me yesterday, I did the same thing, to a point. I left to find myself and in some regards, not deal with some of my family issues, but I also did it because I needed to.

And as I sat in church, I remember my drive to Houston, Texas and I remember how I felt getting there and my first night there, thinking if I had made the right decision or if I should just go home? But as days turned to weeks and weeks to months and months to years, what I realized is that your family will be there for you, even when you make the wrong choices. So to my sons, if you go the wrong way, just remember that you can always come home and that you’ll always be loved.
This is a great short story by Philip Yancey: like Jesus’ ‘prodigal son’ it not only speaks of those who have physically left home and wasted their lives, but in a sense it is what we have ALL done spiritually. As in the parable of Jesus the ending portrays God’s great love for the returning child.

“A young girl grows up on a cherry orchard just above Traverse City, Michigan. Her parents, a bit old-fashioned, tend to over-react to her nose ring, the music she listens to, and the length of her skirts. They ground her a few times, and she seethes inside. ‘I hate you!’ she screams at her father when he knocks on the door of her room after an argument, and that night she acts on a plan she has mentally rehearsed scores of times. She runs away.

She has visited Detroit only once before, on a bus trip with her church youth group to watch the Tigers play. Because newspapers in Traverse City report in lurid detail the gangs, the drugs, and the violence in downtown Detroit, she concludes that is probably the last place her parents will look for her. California, maybe, or Florida, but not Detroit.

Her second day there she meets a man who drives the biggest car she’s ever seen. He offers her a ride, buys her lunch, arranges a place for her to stay. He gives her some pills that make her feel better than she’s ever felt before. She was right all along, she decides: her parents were keeping her from all the fun.

The good life continues for a month, two months, a year. The man with the big car –she calls him ‘Boss’– teaches her a few things that men like. Since she’s underage, men pay a premium for her. She lives in a penthouse, and orders room service whenever she wants. Occasionally she thinks about the folks back home, but their lives now seem so boring and provincial that she can hardly believe she grew up there.

She has a brief scare when she sees her picture printed on the back of a milk carton with the headline “Have you seen this child?” But by now she has blond hair, and with all the makeup and body-piercing jewelry she wears, nobody would mistake her for a child. Besides, most of her friends are runaways, and nobody squeals in Detroit.

After a year the first sallow signs of illness appear, and it amazes her how fast the boss turns mean. “These days, we can’t mess around,” he growls, and before she knows it she’s out on the street without a penny to her name. She still turns a couple of tricks a night, but they don’t pay much, and all the money goes to support her habit. When winter blows in she finds herself sleeping on metal grates outside the big department stores. “Sleeping” is the wrong word – a teenage girl at night in downtown Detroit can never relax her guard. Dark bands circle her eyes. Her cough worsens.

One night as she lies awake listening for footsteps, all of a sudden everything about her life looks different. She no longer feels like a woman of the world. She feels like a little girl, lost in a cold and frightening city. She begins to whimper. Her pockets are empty and she’s hungry. She needs a fix. She pulls her legs tight underneath her and shivers under the newspapers she’s piled atop her coat. Something jolts a synapse of memory and a single image fills her mind: of May in Traverse City, when a million cherry trees bloom at once, with her golden retriever dashing through the rows and rows of blossomy trees in chase of a tennis ball.

God, why did I leave, she says to herself, and pain stabs at her heart. My dog back home eats better than I do now. She’s sobbing, and she knows in a flash that more than anything else in the world she wants to go home.

Three straight phone calls, three straight connections with the answering machine. She hangs up without leaving a message the first two times, but the third time she says, “Dad, Mom, it’s me. I was wondering about maybe coming home. I’m catching a bus up your way, and it’ll get there about midnight tomorrow. If you’re not there, well, I guess I’ll just stay on the bus until it hits Canada.”

It takes about seven hours for a bus to make all the stops between Detroit and Traverse City, and during that time she realizes the flaws in her plan. What if her parents are out of town and miss the message? Shouldn’t she have waited another day or so until she could talk to them? And even if they are home, they probably wrote her off as dead long ago. She should have given them some time to overcome the shock.

Her thoughts bounce back and forth between those worries and the speech she is preparing for her father. “Dad, I’m sorry. I know I was wrong. It’s not your fault; it’s all mine. Dad, can you forgive me?” She says the words over and over, her throat tightening even as she rehearses them. She hasn’t apologized to anyone in years.

The bus has been driving with lights on since Bay City. Tiny snowflakes hit the pavement rubbed worn by thousands of tires, and the asphalt steams. She’s forgotten how dark it gets at night out here. A deer darts across the road and the bus swerves. Every so often, a billboard. A sign posting the mileage to Traverse City Oh, God.

When the bus finally rolls into the station, its air brakes hissing in protest, the driver announces in a crackly voice over the microphone, “Fifteen minutes, folks. That’s all we have here.” Fifteen minutes to decide her life. She checks herself in a compact mirror, smooths her hair, and licks the lipstick off her teeth. She looks at the tobacco stains on her fingertips, and wonders if her parents will notice. If they’re there.

She walks into the terminal not knowing what to expect. Not one of the thousand scenes that have played out in her mind prepares her for what she sees. There, in the concrete-walls-and-plastic-chairs bus terminal in Traverse City, Michigan, stands a group of forty brothers and sisters and great-aunts and uncles and cousins and a grandmother and great-grandmother to boot. They’re all wearing goofy party hats and blowing noise-makers, and taped across the entire wall of the terminal is a computer-generated banner that reads “Welcome home!”

Out of the crowd of well-wishers breaks her dad. She stares out through the tears quivering in her eyes like hot mercury and begins the memorized speech, “Dad, I’m sorry. I know…”

He interrupts her. ‘Hush child. We’ve got no time for that. No time for apologies. You’ll be late for the party. A banquet’s waiting for you at home.’”

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No, this isn’t a religious post, but more a post about how our Children hear and repeat everything that we say. And what is even funnier, is when they repeat things and say it at the right time and in the right way.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were goofing off and I was on a role with one liners and quick comments and I had just seen the #Hashtag YouTube video with Jimmy Fallon & Justin Timberlake and started doing #hashtags in everything that I was saying.  Well, one of the #hashtags was The Gospel, meaning, the truth after something that my wife said and she and I laughed and kept on going. Well, last night, I got home and my wife and I were talking about something from work, nothing serious, just a quick conversation that I thought that was funny and I responded by basically saying that I was right and that she was wrong. In no less than 5 seconds that words came out of my mouth, Boy A chimed in with #The Gospel and I thought that I was going to lose it.

The timing was perfect. The way that he said it. I was doubled over at the sink and had tears running down my face from laughing so hard. Our kids listen to us and look for laughs when they can. After a long day, I needed that laugh. I needed to be reminded that life is short and that sometimes we have to laugh. And sometimes that laughing is a way to put life back into perspective. So, today or tomorrow or whenever, remember 2 things as parents: 1) Laugh and laugh as often as you can and 2) your kids are listening and you never know when they are going to repeat you.

#The Gospel

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Growing up, when ever I would use the phrase “I can not” as it related to doing something, or not doing something, my mom especially would correct me. She always pointed out that I could do anything that I put my mind to and that I could be successful, if I just tried.

Last week, Boy A was bound and determined to button his shirt and zip up his own jacket, but he was really struggling with the holes on his shirt and pushing the button through. I offered to help and show him, but he was determined to do it on his on, but then he got frustrated and stopped and said “I can not do it”. I looked at him and smiled, just as my mother did to me and I told him the same thing, that he could do anything that he put his mind to it and that together we were going to work together on him learning how to button his shirt.

So, I buttoned the top and bottom button for him and showed him how to find the hole with one hand and slide the button through with the other. And then, he did it. He did it on the first time and he said that he could button his own shirt and he was so happy. He was beyond excited and proud of himself and so was I.

Growing up, I was always told that I could do anything that I put my mind to and I remember both of my parents saying that to me, right before I departed out on my own to Texas. And I didn’t understand it fully until I had been there for a few months and then it hit me, I did it. Sure, there were times that I would say “I can not stay here or do this on my own” and then something would happen and I would realize that I could do it and that I learned a lesson while doing it. And I hope that my son learned a little lesson while trying to button his shirt, sure it can be tricky, but so is life. Life is going to always through challenges, but it is how we deal with it and there are times that we just have to say I can and figure out ways to overcome obstacles.

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Sometimes in life, we have to all be calm and peaceful, even in the most difficult of times. With Boy B, transitions can and sometimes still are hard on him. Some days, he can roll with the transitions and we are good, then others, especially if he is hungry, they are harder.

About a year ago, I tried something with Boy B and it somehow has worked and worked really well and it is just something that is between he and I. But if he is getting worked up or anxious or or a struggle with a transition, I would simply point to my nose and he would stop. He would stop and would walk over to me, put his nose to mine and then I would start by saying “Be calm and peaceful” and he would take a deep breath and we would talk about what was going on. Somehow, this has really worked and worked well. And the funny thing, is that he only really does this with me, but by simply touching my nose and then him coming to me, his entire demeanor changes.

So last night, while doing FaceTime with a friend, who was going through some dating struggles (that God I’m not dating anymore), Baby B walked over and simply said, “Be calm and be peaceful” and then there was a dramatic pause and he finished with “Like the Great White Shark!” And I couldn’t help but laugh and laugh to the point of almost being in tears.

There is something about the phrase, be calm and be peaceful that even quietly saying it, seems to bring a sense of peace and comfort. And for me, being able to have this connection with my son, that I can calmly and quietly get his attention and get him refocused, is just awesome. I don’t have to raise my voice or get upset. I just have to touch my nose and he knows that it is time to be calm and peaceful.

 

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You really should not laugh at your kids, but sometimes, they just say things that are really funny and at a point in time where you just need a laugh. So, there is a back story here.

Most Sunday mornings, the boys and I are ready for church within about 20 – 25 minutes and we get ready and head off to the van and wait. We wait for my wife and sometimes, it takes a while, a long while.  And I’m not complaining, but 20 – 30 min waiting sometimes does get frustrating. So a month or two ago, I was in a quick witting mood and cued up the song Waitin’ On A Woman (see below) by Brad Paisley and as my wife got in the van, the boys and I sang along with Brad. She would give me the even look, the boys would laugh and we would bump fists and off to church we go.

Well, this was done several times, usually before church and then I had forgotten about it. So last night, the boys and I read our night time story from Winnie The Pooh and as they were getting settled down, Boy B looked out the window for his mom and asked where she was? I started my reply of “She is at work….” and before I could say that she would be home soon, Boy A chimed in that we were just Waitin’ On A Woman. And it was at that moment that I lost it. I laughed so hard until I cried, literally.

The reality is very simple, every guy has spent time Waitin’ On A Woman and I might as well teach the boys a solid life lesson now while they are young, because they too will be waiting one day. But, if you get the right girl, then Waitin’ On A Woman is worth it.


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Growing up, I really struggled with patience and I think that it about broke my father and my backside. I wanted things right then and I wanted things done the way that I wanted them done. But guess what? Life doesn’t work that way and today, I was shown that in a humbling way.

For the last week I have been fighting a bad sinus infection, which for where I live, has been a constant for the last 7 years. And today, after waking up and not being able to hear, I gave in and called to get an appointment with my ENT and luckily, he had 2 openings this afternoon. After getting there and catching up with the Doctor, we decided to have him put in tubes again in both ears. Yes, both ears and yes, I’m getting close to 40. But the point is, I had to have it done then, I couldn’t wait. Sure, I could show patience and wait a few more weeks, but that could cause problems and further complications. So, he performs the minor surgery and off I go.

Yesterday for my downtime, I cooked and cooked a lot. But my new weekly food to make is my homemade salsa. And who doesn’t love just saying the word salsa? The kids don’t eat it, but man it is delicious. So, I’m on the phone with my dad and I’m frustrated because this was the 11th time in my life that I’ve had tubes and the pain and frustration, etc. And as we are talking and I’m waiting to checkout, I see the guy in front of me digging through his pockets for money. He only had 3 items, a bottle of water, band aids and a banana.  And as I’m talking with my Dad, this guy is struggling to find the money. And when I say money, it was about $2.00 roughly.

My dad was asking me questions, I could see the cashier was getting frustrated and the guy, mind you, he looks like he hasn’t showered for days and because of my allergies and sinus infection I couldn’t smell him. But I realized something, this guy didn’t have the money and it was in that moment, I had 2 options: 1) let the guy put the food back or 2) pay the $2.00, because honestly, $2.00 wasn’t anything in my day, as that is what I spend on a cup of coffee almost daily.

Daily, I spend more for a drink than this guy ate all day. And as I’m talking with my Dad, I politely asked if I could call him back and I handed the cashier the money that he needed and told the gentleman to keep his money for another day. There was a couple behind me that rolled their eyes and the guy couldn’t have thanked me enough, as I’m sure that he was embarrassed. The cashier thanked me and we smiled and waved to the guy as he walked out of the store.

When I got my dad back on the phone, he asked me what happened and I seemed replied that I helped a guy that was down on his luck, who looked like he needed a little bit of hope today and that even though it wasn’t much, I think that it gave him at least one meal today. And as I hung up with my Dad, I realized, that a few years ago, I wouldn’t have done that. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, I would have been frustrated and in a hurry to get out of the store and go home and rest. My ears were hurting, I just wanted to relax. But today, I got to experience that life lesson that I’ve been learning since I was the age of my boys and how today, that patience taught me and reminded me how lucky that I am.

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The older that I get, the more that I realize that I need to devote time for self reflection and time to just unwind and clear my head. Today is one of those days and I thought that I would share a few thoughts/ideas/concerns/etc.

  • This past week, in a small town outside of Roanoke, VA there was yet another senseless shooting.  Please understand, I am 100% in favor of the 2nd Amendment and law abiding citizens being able to legally own and carry fire arms. BUT, I also believe that our society has a serious mental health issue as well and until politicians are able to figure out a legal solution that prevents those that have mental health issues from legally purchasing a gun, then please stay off the tv and keep your political rhetoric to a minimum. Literally within 2 hours of the shootings, the VA Governor held a press conference about gun laws. Mind you, the person that shot the innocent individuals purchased his weapon legally and lawmakers forget that criminals don’t exactly go and register and purchase their handguns legally, as that requires background checks, etc.
  • The stock market took an interesting turn this past week. I only lost $5,000.00, which is a lot, but in the long term, that shouldn’t be too bad. I also upped my contributions to offset future growth and obtain more shares with future purchases.
  • As for the little monkeys, I see more and more growth and maturity in those little guys everyday. They have started to speak a little Spanish, both can count to 10 with no problems and can say a few conversational words. The boys are helping out more at the house and helping clean more. And their personalities just keep growing.
  • Vacation is quickly coming up, but that is something that I”m not necessarily looking forward to again this year. Long story and not a public story. But I will get to spend time with the boys and I’m currently looking at day trips while we are at the beach, i.e. there is an Aquarium nearby, as well as a Naval museum with airplanes.

The last few weeks have been an up and down time for me personally and professionally. I’m fortunate to have the job that I do, as there are so many that are unemployed, though, I often time questions my current career path.  In talking with one of my best friends, who is in a similar situation, I know where my passion lies, though I don’t think that it is my career, as I would hate to lose that passion and turn it into a job that I hate. But at the same time, I wonder if the culture here at work, is contributing to my uncertainty?

Reflection is important for interpersonal perspective. The more that you can self identify, the more that you can stay on top of the things that are bothering you and keep you focused on the important things. So this morning, as I was driving into the office and thinking about the kids and how quickly they are growing and as my work week winds down, I can’t wait to spend the weekend with them. We have a few things already planned to grill and cook and I’m going to teach them how to make chicken and mushroom risotto this weekend and hopefully get some much needed downtime in as well.

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I don’t get time away from life, my family, work etc. very often, so when I do, I try to take advantage of it as best I can.  And for the longest time, I struggled with the concept of time away from my kids, because I thought that I was being a bad parent, but I realized that I was wrong.

This past weekend, I took a few days off from work and went down to my family farm and worked. It was really hard saying goodbye to the boys last Thursday morning and I assured them that I would be back on Sunday and that if they were good, I would bring them a surprise. The struggle that I had, was that I was leaving them. But I was leaving them exhausted and burned out. Not from them, but from a lot of other factors in my life. I was leaving them with my wife, who has never had them alone by herself for 4 days at a time, doing it all.

My life, revolves 100% around my kids. Plain and simple. But a lot of things had been building up for me and I just needed a little time away. I needed time to clear my head, focus on somethings and plan somethings out. This time away, allowed me to hop on the tractor and just drive and think and more importantly, I didn’t have any interruptions. No one pulling on my leg, no one emailing me (I don’t have cell service at the farm), no one lining up outside my door asking me questions or needing me to fix a problem. I just had time to think.

But one of the biggest and most glaring realizations that I had, was that time away isn’t bad. In fact, it is rather healthy. It was good that my wife had them for several days and could hopefully appreciate all that I do when she travels. It was great to see the expressions on my kids faces when I got back yesterday. And it gave me time to come to peace with somethings.

So parents, if you get the chance, take a little time away for yourselves, you’ll be better parents for it in the long run.

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