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I have been bothered lately by anxiety. Let me rephrase that, for the first time in my life, I am understanding that I struggle with anxiety and I’m trying to get help for it.

Anxiety is an emotion caused by a belief in potential loss

Reading that 1 simple line at church hit me like a ton of bricks!   For years, I have struggled with letting things get to me, but not knowing how to process or effectively deal with the issues. I would internalize things to the point, that I would blow up and be completely stressed out.

Buy why? What was causing all of this? Honestly, I still don’t know for sure? I do know that I’m trying to figure out why I am unable to relax. Unable to deal with certain things.

Anxiety for some, is much worse that what I deal with. But, it is very real for me. I have had several people in the last several months comment that I was working my way to a heart attack. That scared the hell out of me. Friends and co-workers, people that I spend a lot of time with, were seeing what I could not. They recognized a change in me that was not good. They saw how tired I looked, which then I would have to talk about not sleeping.

Oh right, part of my anxiety is that I’m not sleeping either. If I get 2-3 hours a night, I’m doing good. But in rereading that line from church, the part that hit me was the part about the belief in a potential loss.

So what am I afraid of losing? Friends? Family? Relationships? Not sure? But something is causing me to be anxious a lot more than I should.

I have recognized that after seeing the movie I Can Only Imagine, that I have realized things from my childhood that I did not deal with. Whether on purpose or not, I didn’t. So, maybe that could be it?

Regardless of what it is, I am for the first time trying to figure out a healthy solution, to deal with this problem.

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If you haven’t taken the time to go and see the new movie that was just released, I Can Only Imagine, you should. The song, which is based on the Christian band MercyMe and the life of Bart Millard.

The movie takes you from the lowest of the lows to the highest of highs and somewhere in between and without a doubt will change your life. Throughout the movie, I held my wife’s hand tighter, as I was seeing glimpse of my life on the movie screen.

As my wife walked out of the movie theater, we were both in silence and I could tell she wanted to ask me something. I could tell she was really struggling to find the right words, as she had tears just coming down her face. And it was after we cleared the building and were almost to the vehicle, she asked how much of that I had lived through?

Through tears and for the first time in my 11 year relationship with my wife, I discussed things about my childhood with her for the first time. And through the movie, it opened a dialogue and it gave me hope for the future and confirmed my thought that my past will not define me.

As I am learning on a daily basis, our past, does not mean that it will be our future. It can be, but if we choose to do something differently, we will. And in seeing the movie and seeing how the father was transformed into a better person, I just sat in awe.

Today, is a new day. A new chapter. The challenge is how do we live our life today?

 

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According to the pediatrician, strep has been running wild lately. And of course, Boy B got it.

This is the 2nd time in 2 weeks that he has gotten strep and this time, there was more concern. His pediatrician thought that his tonsils had an abscess on them, which if it had ruptured, we could have been faced with a serious issue.

After 2 Dr visits and several types of medications, we were able to see a difference in less than 24 hours hours. Praise the Lord, because the alternative could be have been emergency surgery.

So as I look outside and watch the snow fall, I am grateful for his pediatrician and his new ENT. Both have called and followed up and have been on top of his care.

I think that we are partially out of the woods for now, but he will be having his tonsils taken out this summer and that alone scares me.

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Sometimes adulting is hard. Granted adulting really isn’t a word, but to me, it just works.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind for me and my family, well, really my wife and I. We have been in limbo as we have been actively discussing a job and a move. The pros and cons have been discussed a lot.

There were tears and concerns.  There was excitement and fears. But at the end of the day, we were back and forth on the possibilities and at the end of the day, we didn’t have a decision on what to do. I was back and forth on a daily basis and the boys had no idea. There was no need to share with them an unknown.

Over the last several days, I started leaning one way, but would occasionally float to the other decision for no rhyme or reason. I let a few people in on my decision and struggles with what I was going through and leaned on their thoughts, knowing that I had to make a decision.  Good friends will tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear, and I’m lucky to have good friends.

Last night I was watching the UNC basketball game and at some point in the second half, I made the decision. It was weird, I figured out sitting in the recliner and it just came to me out of the blue and I felt at peace. I texted a buddy of mine and I said that I knew what to do but that I was sleeping on the decision and let him know when I woke up.

“We are not moving.”

That was the text that I sent my buddy. I just knew and was 100% sure of the decision. I had struggled for days on the decision and struggled for weeks what might be. But, what I kept struggled with is how does this work? Can I be away from my boys for 5 days at a time and my wife? Would I be ok living out of a suit case? Sure it is for a short time, but my son’s need me, as much as I need them.

We depend on each other. Who would be there to sing Lyle Lovett at night? Who would be there to help me grill or cook? Who would be there to nag me about my clothes not matching? Sure, 2 months, that is what we would be talking about and yes people do this everyday, but I’m not everyone.

I literally felt like the weight of the world had been taken off my shoulders. And, I was at peace.

So tonight, I hug the boys and my wife. Tonight, after a lot of struggles and a lot of worrying, I am at peace.

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Looks like there might be a possible move in our future. At least as of today.

Next week, I travel for a possible new job. One that could be both exciting and challenging. But this possible move is also stressful as well.

There have been a lot of conversations, both with my wife and also with the possible organizations. The thought of moving, is exciting and scary all at the same time.

One on hand, it might be time for a change. But on the other, I would be away from my family for a month or two, 5 days a week, which is not ideal. Is it the end of the world, no, because families do it all the time. But for me, who is a very active father that puts his kids to be every night, it makes my stomach hurt.

Another big focus in all of this is my kids. They are established in their schools. They have little friends. We know their Pediatrician and he knows us. The thought of having to find someone new and build a relationship, does not excite me. But at the same time, this move could be a great thing for my family.

A good friend of mine asked where our end goal was for the family as it pertained to living and I said, North Carolina. And as we talked through that this was not in North Carolina, he reminded me that it took him 3 moves to get to his dream town.

This move would be a lot easier if it were just my wife and I. This could be possibly a no brainier to be honest. But I have to consider my kids. I have to think about how a possible move would impact them.

Everything would change. We would know not a single person there. We would be starting new. For someone that is not normally a risk taker, especially this late stage of my career, I am stepping out of my comfort zone and taking a leap of faith.

My guess, is that by next time this week, I will know if we will be exploring the possibility of going or not. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But it does add a layer of stress to life.

So, here is to a possible move.

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I have learned more about ADHD in the last several months than I ever thought that I would have to know. In talking with my son the other night, he started to tear up and start crying. The words hit me like a ton of bricks “Dad, I don’t have any friends.”

As a parent, I can not even begin to tell you how much my heart began to hurt. Words will never be able to truly describe that moment. I began to cry, but I also quickly thought to respond. I was able to reassure him that he did in fact have friends.

But the reality is simple, he doesn’t have many. So, I quickly found an article called Will My Child Ever Have a Best Friend? and this opening quote said it all:

Children with ADHD often invade personal spaces, blurt out rude comments, and play too rough — all of which makes it tough to keep friends.

This is it I thought! Exactly what I was thinking and feeling all wrapped up in once, because this is my son!

So, as some who that has to problem solve all day, I quickly thought through what can I do to help him? And the only way that I can help, is to create situations for him to be a better friend and to make new ones. I have contacted several of my friends that have kids and we are in the process of setting up play dates.

Is this going to help? Honestly, I don’t know, but I have to do something. As a parent, I have to do everything that I can to give him every opportunity to succeed and I wouldn’t be doing my job as his father if I did not try. We are signing him up also for a social skills class with other children that have ADHD as well, in hopes that he not only learns new coping skills but also to make new friends.

In the last year, I have seen a big change in my son and yes, medication is a HUGE factor. But I also think that he is learning more skills to cope with his outbursts as well. He isn’t jumping to accuse other kids and be so defensive. He is not being so fixated on something that he can’t get past situations and emotions.

Making friends as kids is already hard. Peer pressure. Differences. And to throw ADHD into the mix, it makes it harder. Not that it is something that he is not going to be able to overcome, but I think that it will help. My hope is that all of these things will help him establish friends and learn how to be a good friend to others.

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I realized this morning, that I really do not like who I am becoming. I do not mean that as a negative, but really more of a fact.

This morning before leaving the office, I was tense and on edge. One of the boys spelled some of his milk and did not tell me, and when my wife found it became a HUGE issue. Was it blown out of proportion,  maybe?  But she was not happy and I was on the receiving of that.

So my response was a simple reminder that I was getting ready to start my hour and a half commute, that I had a day full of meetings and then I would be driving another hour and a half back home after work. And it was then I realized, who I am becoming is someone that I do not like.

The argument that my wife and I had this morning, was not over the spilled milk. It was over my job.
My work load has tripled and there is a chance in literally the next few weeks, that it could do so again. I am on edge the time that I leave the house until I come home and often times, it is now taking me hours to settle down.

And that time that it takes for me to relax, is time that I’m not me. I’m frustrated. I’m short with my wife and my kids and I don’t mean to be, but I’m struggling. I am really trying to keep it all together. I’m focused on ensuring that my teams at work are doing their jobs and at the same time, when I walk in the door at home that I switch gears.

So this weekend, the phone goes away. My focus and attention is going to be spent on my family and I am going to try to relax some. In order to change to who I want to be, I have to change who I am becoming.

 

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I’m often asked if the boys do everything together and I quickly remind them, there are two boys with two identities. People just assume that the boys have the same interests and the same friends, but in reality, they are completely different.

The boys have completely different interests, but they have some commonalities too. They both love cartoons and especially Pokemon. They are both really getting into drawing and stretching their creative mindset by drawing comic books and telling stories.

But at the same time, they are completely different as well. One loves sports, the other doesn’t. One likes quiet time, the other wants to run and be loud.

Having twins is a wonderful and sometimes frustrating thing at times. People ASSUME certain things because we have two kids that are the exact same age. But in reality, no two kids have the same personality. That is what makes them unique! Two kids = two identities.

I want my kids to be different. I want them to have different friends and different interests. How boring would it be if they did everything the same?

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At the age of 41, almost 42, never did the phrase “I need to do yoga” ever cross my mind as something that I would be saying. Somewhere along the way of life, I realized that my knees would not hold up enough for me to be a runner anymore.

Yoga has become a great way to be a stress reliever from work and life, but also gives me a chance to workout. I’ve gained more flexibility in the last several weeks, than I had in years of going to the gym.

My wife and I had decided to get back into working out, but we not only had different goals, but we had different preferences of what we used to work out with. She went with Beachbody and that is great, it works for her, but it didn’t work for me. I went with DDP Yoga, which challenged me and I was able to relate to the injuries that some of the athletes had, my wife could not get with it.

The outcome, we are both working out daily, tracking our progress and our goals. And more importantly, we are determined. We are determined to live healthier lifestyles, which in turn, teaches the boys to be healthier. As I told a co-worker today, I didn’t put on 20 lbs of extra weight overnight, so it is going to take a lot of extra work to get it off too.

But what I’m learning, is that I’m it isn’t just yoga that is helping, it is working on meal planning and ensuring that the entire family is eating healthier as well. So, as I sit on the sofa, the boys are asleep, I’m working on meals for the next two weeks and planning out my workout schedule.

Who knew that yoga could be fun?

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This is a non partisan rant on regulations within our healthcare and now, it is personable.

Today I went to get my son’s ADHD medication refilled, with no luck. I went to 4 different pharmacies and we are talking major chains and I was told the same thing at each stop. And with each trip, the more furious I became.  Each no was met with, we aren’t able to get his medication due to regulations.

What the hell? Regulations? Regulations on a medication that has proven in major medical studies. Regulations for what reason?

So now what? My son has done amazing on his medication, now do we start over? Do we have to start testing new things? I’m waiting on the Doctor to call me back, but in the several conversations that I had with the pharmacists today, it seems that we are going to have to change to a new medication.

To quote a co-worker, “why do things have to be so hard?”

More to come.

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