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Growing up in North Carolina, and granted, we are talking a long time ago, never did we practice a lock down drill in school? We practiced a lot of other drills, tornado drills and yes, even back when I was really young, we did practice for bombs. But not lock down drills.

I really hate that my kids will grow up in a society where they have to practice these things. They have to know where safe rooms are in their house or in their classes. I hate that they have to be on guard for others. And as I was talking about the lock down drill with my sons, they were telling me all the scenarios that could happen as to why they would need to go into hiding at school.

And it was at that moment, for the very first time, I thought about pulling my kids out and home schooling them. The idea of the boys having to hide because of a threat at the school is mind blowing. And no, I’m not going to even go down the road on gun violence, because it is such a polarizing discussion that it wouldn’t be beneficial. But it is scary as a parent to even think of those situations and yet, we all remember Sandy Hook.

I don’t know where in our society that we took a wrong turn? I don’t know what has happened, but as a parent, it is scary as hell! It is scary to think that my sons, the loves of my life, could be put in danger because they are in a school, which is supposed to be a safe environment.

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It was bound to happen. At some point, I knew that I would have to deal with this, but was hoping that it wasn’t going to be on this past Friday night and I was certainly hoping that it wasn’t going to be with one of the boys, but it did.  I had been testing fate for entirely too long!

This past Friday night, my wife and I decided to split the kids and we would each have some one on one time with the boys. I took Boy A and we went off to the city for dinner. And I just had this funny feeling on the drive down, something was going to happen, in fact, I even packed extra snacks for my son, just in case.

And after we went and had some fun, we got back in the jeep and nothing happened. I tried to start my jeep and it wouldn’t crank. I tried again, nothing. Ever since we moved and my commute increased, I had been testing fate on having my jeep break down. I knew it. But what was I going to do?

So there, we sat. I felt defeated, not because I had car problems, but because my son was with me. I had no choice but to remain calm, call AAA and then my wife and wait. Wait for what seemed like forever, but was really less than an hour. Wait and play games, talk, laugh and thank goodness, there was a restaurant where we were, so we could go and eat.

But I had been testing fate entirely too long though. My jeep has over 195k miles on it, though still in good condition, it is getting some serious wear and tear on it. And financially, we just aren’t in the position to buy something new yet for me. We are trying to pay off our debt and we are beyond focused and intense on getting that done and a new vehicle just isn’t in the mix right now.

So, I am sitting and waiting, working at home today, checking my phone and waiting on my mechanic to call me back with the news. Hoping it is just a starter. Hoping that the issue with the transmission is minor too. Hoping that these fixes don’t set us back financially too much and stir us off our course of financial freedom.

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Homework in Kindergarten? Seriously? What about having fun? Playing? Learning from playing and doing? Heck, I even remember and yes, I’m dating myself, but I remember a nice nap after lunch.

But homework? Seems a little much for me, but who am I to judge?  But now that we are 4 weeks into school, it seems that we are slowly adjusting, even for the school work each night. And yes, I said that correctly, the boys have homework every night, minus Friday night.

It is sad that my boys are basically doing what I did in 1st grade and being forced to grow up even faster than any of us would like. But what are we to do?

So tonight, I’m making tater tots and chicken nuggets for dinner and letting the boys have a hour to relax. They played outside and played with a friend and after dinner, we’ll do homework and take baths.

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The word that I used with my mom tonight when she asked how I was doing, was simply “defeated”. We got another call from Boy B’s teacher, it wasn’t as bad as last weeks, but it still wasn’t great.

This time, he was great in the class room, but not in his special classes, i.e. PE and Media Center. And though she said that he was great in his class, he didn’t make good choices. And I think that when my wife mentioned that the teacher suggested that we contact his Dr. (i.e. subtle for possible need for medication), I hit a low point for the day.

I don’t want my kids to be on medicine for behavior concerns at this age. I have too many resources, but this is part of raising twin boys. The perfect storm of being born early, boys and twins and the 2nd child. And as I took a deep breath and muddled the words “I feel defeated”, my mother, who never raises her voice came down on me like a ton of bricks. She said that I needed to hear. She got on me for the right reason. She got on me because I wasn’t focusing on the right things.

We talked through Boy B’s day. What was different than yesterday and the day before. We talked through his sleep pattern, his eating, etc. And then we figured out that the day was different. There was not a lot of transition time. He didn’t enough breakfast. His schedule was off this morning due to it being a Wednesday and the class schedule changed, etc. it all became the perfect storm.

So as I drove home from work, after a really long day, a few things came to mind.

  1. I’m beyond fortunate that my mom has a background in teaching and that she can help me with these types of issues.
  2. When I call and say that I’m defeated, that she knows exactly what I need to hear and builds me up, instead of letting me tear myself down.
  3. And she gave me the same loving advice, that I hope that I can pass along to my boys one day.

So that feeling of being defeated, some how changed into, how can we make tomorrow better. And I hope that tomorrow will be better and that he make’s better choices.

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9-11 Memorial

15 years later and the tragic moments of 9/11 seem just like it was yesterday.

15 years later and I still remember where I was when I heard that the planes had hit the World Trade Center.

15 years later, I still remember my professor at UNCW dismissed our class and we all hurried to get to a tv.

15 years later, I still remember getting word that my friends that worked and lived in New York, were safe and sound.

And 15 years later, I still pray for those that lost their lives that day. Today, we mourn the loss of those that died, due to no fault of their own. Today, I pray for their families and pray for comfort and peace. Today, I am very grateful that when I last visited the World Trade Center Memorial, that I didn’t have to look for the photos of my friends on the wall.

And 15 years later, time still stands still as I remember the moment that our world forever changed.
But as I was reflect back to what Mister Rogers had to say about 9/11 and I don’t know that I could have said it any better myself.

So today, 15 years after a day that we’ll never forget, let’s put aside political differences and let’s focus on what really matters today.

9-11 Memorial

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The first day of school came and went, mostly without any issues. I say mostly, but it wouldn’t be fun without some problem.

On the night before the boys first day of school, we packed their lunches, got all of their clothes out, read some books and talked about riding the bus and going to school. All good. And it didn’t hurt that they were both exhausted too.

And now that we are 3 weeks into school, I can honestly say that for the most part, the boys have really transitioned nicely into kindergarten. They have taken a great interest into reading and wanting to learn how to read. They are more engaged in learning new things and they have shown an excitement in doing their best at school and even have asked to do chores around the house.

Because my mother taught elementary school for over 4o years, it is easy and also hard for me to watch them goto school.  The days have changed and the expectations have changed. When I grew up, kindergarten was meant to be a transition from preschool and a bridge for 1st grade, but today, that is all changed. Today, kindergarten is what I experienced as 1st grade. And that is really sad in many regards, especially when I see that they only get 15 minutes a day to have recess. And if you ask any teacher, they will tell you that 15 minutes a day of recess isn’t enough and that children, especially little boys, learn better by doing.

All in all, the boys really seem to have transitioned really nicely into a new phase of their life.

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I am not ready for this. My boys are growing up right in front of my eyes.

I feel like it was yesterday that they were being handed to me for the first time. That I was putting diapers on them for the first time. That I was feeding them. That I was bathing them oh so very gently.

Now, my boys start kindergarten next week. They will ride the bus. I’m going to let a stranger drive my sons. I am not ready for this.

I am not ready to see my little boys grow up. Heck, one of the boys kissed a girl on the forehead last night, because she is his “girlfriend”. Time is flying before my eyes. They are able to help me cook and are much further along than I was at the age of 30. They know how to make bread, grill, smoke bacon and the list goes on and on. But come next week, our lives transition again.

And as much as I try to tell myself that I’m ready for this, I am not!

My little boys are growing up. They are learning and absorbing every day. They are taking everything in and come next week, they start school and I am just not ready for this. It isn’t the same for them as it was when I started school. When I was in Kindergarten, we had tornado drills and bomb drills (yes I am old), but they will have to deal with active shooter drills. They will be faced with so many more things than I ever was.

And after we took the boys to look at their rooms last night and meet their teachers, I just realized that I am not ready for this. I am not ready to let them out of a safe bubble. But the reality is that I have to let go, to a point. They are growing up. They are becoming big boys. They are growing up.

I guess I have to be ok with this?

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Today marks a new day. Today is the first day of a new start. A new beginning to the future.

I went to work with a full meal that we had planned over the weekend, so I had a healthy lunch and not junk. My wife and I worked out when I got home. Granted, I’m fighting a sinus infection, so I was limited and really felt like crap. I’ll go home today and work out again, even though I still feel like crap.

I’m down 3.4 lbs since yesterday and yes, I’m aware that it isn’t healthy and nor is it good to look everyday at your weight.

But more importantly, my wife and I had a great conversation about our future. We have a plan for debt. We have a plan for continued weight loss. We have a plan for our future and for the first time, I feel that we are really on the same page.

Today is a new day!

 

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Broken heart and broken dreams and a broken soul, just a few of the feelings that I had this weekend. But I think that in the course of a few hours of feeling as though I had hit rock bottom, that I went from feeling at the lowest of the lows, I felt as though I started to be rebuilt.

After a long talk with my wife Sunday morning, for the first time in almost 8 years of marriage, I felt as though I could take away from some of the “weight” that I had to always carry on my shoulders. I felt as though we were finally on the same page of working together on fiances. I felt as though we had a solid understanding and plan.

And in a quick conversation that actually started about one thing, but transitioned into something completely different. But I guess I needed to share my feelings, my concerns, my frustrations and felt amazing after we talked. For the first time, we had a plan. For the first time, that feeling of being broken and defeated, was not there. I felt that I could take a deep breath and relax and be ok with somethings.

My point to this blog, is that I want my kids to know that they are going through times where they feel broken and defeated, but it is how you respond to that feeling that will determine the outcome. For me, I internalized everything and only shared my frustrations with 2 people and that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to me and it certainly wasn’t fair to my wife. I didn’t take my frustrations over the years out on her, I just did what I had to do to keep us a float.

But today, as I sit at work, I’m not stressed about money. I mean, I am and will always be to a point, but for the first time, I feel as though I have someone helping me to get us to a point where our future will be much brighter. I want to be able to send my kids to school and have them come out debt free. I want to teach my kids the importance of being fiscally responsible. And it is so easy to just want something and pay for it later. We’ve all done it and some more than others. And in by no means, are we at a point that we are in trouble financially, but we need to be smarter with our money and will be smarter with our money going forward.

We have a plan. We are going to hold each other accountable. We are going to be responsible and plan out certain purchases, instead of just doing it today and putting it on the card.

Yesterday, I felt like I was broken and destroyed. Today, I feel that there is a hope and brighter outlook. Today, will start a new day on many fronts. Financial, emotional and physical.

Stayed tuned.

 

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I’ve found recently, that I’ve been craving silence more and more lately. Silence from distractions. Silence from conversation. Silence from everything.

My typical day is this:
– Up by 5:30 & shower and get ready for work.
– Get the boys ready, fed, ready for daycare.
– Leave by 6:45 for work, which takes an hour and a half.
– Work from 8:30 – 5pm in a very busy field.
– Another hour and a half to drive back home.
– As soon as I walk in, I’m back into Dad mode with cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids.

Silence is something that I’ve needed more and more lately. And even though I spend 3 hours a day driving to and from work, I’m often talking with family and friends. I catch up with my mom about how she is doing and then talk with my father about our family farm. And sometimes, I have work calls.

Often times the sound of silence can be deafening, but also welcomed. I look forward to those moments that I can relax and take a break and just sit in silence. So I took a break from writing, because I need to clear my head and take a break from all the noise in my life. But I hope that I can start writing more. It is something that I’m not very good at, but something that I can use as an outlet of life.

And at some point, I hope that these posts give my kids insight into what my life was like, raising them.

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